Why Jake Gyllenhaal is the worst.

To whom it may concern: Jake Gyllenhaal is the worst. Granted, I’ve never met him, but Taylor Swift released Red (Taylor’s Version), and now Mr. Brokeback Mountain himself is enemy no. 1. I know next to nothing about this man, but if Taylor has issues with him, so do I. So, in order to get into the same mindset as Blondie, I’ve compiled a list of (mostly) fictional reasons to hate Jake Gyllenhall so that you have something concrete to latch onto.

1. he doesn’t shower (See August 2021 Vanity Fair interview)

2. he takes his shoes AND socks off on the plane

3. He licks his finger after sticking it in his ear

4. He says “cha cha cha” during the birthday song 

5. He thinks it’s ok to eat ramen with a spoon

6. He eats sushi with a fork

7. He likes celery

8. He plays in an adult kickball league

9. His mom packs his lunch

10. His favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut, and he won’t shut up about it 

11. He wears colored contacts and tells everyone his eyes are really that green

12. He doesn’t use the oxford comma

13. His phone case is one of those flip-open wallet cases

14. He can’t whistle

15. He orders a cookie caramel frappuccino at Starbucks

16. He doesn’t eat Indian food because it’s “too spicy”

17. He drives with his windows down on the highway

18. He picks the pepperoni off of his pizza and eats it first

19. He opens his Oreos and eats the cookie first

20. He drinks whole milk every morning 

21. He tips 10% at restaurants. 

22. He dates exclusively dates women in their early 20’s, no matter his age (that one is actually true: see Taylor Swift, Jeanne Cadieu, Alyssa Miller, etc.)

23. His favorite color is traffic cone orange

24. He’s growing his hair out so he can wear it in a ponytail (-6 points for the ensuing man bun)

25. All the plants in his house are fake. 

26. He carries a skateboard around but doesn’t know how to ride it

27. He deeply relates to Joe from You

28. He begins approximately 35% of his sentences with the phrase “Well, in the industry…”

I’m not big on celebrity gossip, I never have been. I find parasocial relationships with celebrities to be unhealthy and tiring. That said, I would lay down my life for T. Swizzle. Dear Jake. Please give Taylor her scarf back. It looks better on her, and considering half the internet hates you at the moment, I’d cut your losses and disappear for a while.